My heart goes out to you. It brings back so many memories. I had about 2/3 of my tongue removed 2 years ago; like you I had a flap from my arm and had a total neck dissection. Thankfully I didn't have any problems with my neck wound - I truly hope they are getting that sorted out for you.
I fully empathise with the difficulties you are facing with eating and speaking and I well know how hard the recovery process is, but it really does get better. I've just posted an item in 'general chat'
- hopefully it will go some way to reassuring you that things can - and do - get better. I won't repeat any of it here, but I hope you read it and get some comfort from it.
You can get through this. It feels sometimes like no-one knows what you're going through and no-one understands. Well, there are so many people in this forum who do know and I'm sure they, like me, send their thoughts and best wishes to you.
If I can give one piece of advice to you, it is to stick to your guns regarding treatment. I had to wait many months for speech therapy (I was told I was pushing myself too hard)and during the time I had to wait, excessive scarring took place and hindered my progress a little. I don't say insist on it straight away necessarily, but I would certainly ask for a referral to a speech therapist to see what s/he thinks.
Obviously every person is different but I have to say that, for me, speech therapy was the real turning point for me. I can now speak clearly enough to be understood almost all the time and I am now able to most things (I still struggle with bread and pastry - they stick to the roof of my mouth and the effort isn't worth the reward). To give you an idea of how well I'm eating, I've put on about 2.5 stones in the last year & I'm now trying desperately to lose some of it!
I'm now going out socialising again, which I wouldn't do for so long, and I actually sat down to a meal in front of strangers, at a friend's wedding a couple of weeks back. I never, ever thought I'd be able to do that again. It's hard going at times, and there may be times when you think you're not getting anywhere, but it's worth it when you come out the other side.
I sincerely hope that things turn out well for you and that you get the help and support you need. Remember, there is so much support for you here; let us know how you get on.