do you really think you are depressed or are you hurt and angry by the way he is behaving?.I was.I howled buckets .Here was this bloody man who i loved and i was attached at the hip too 24/7 who i did everything for,who i took to every treatment,ordered his feeds,his medication,cleaned and tended his burns and his thrush and his whole life for gods sake,and he hated me!!!!!
Thats what i thought and thats what i felt,and when he started to get better i left him on his own for two weeks.
Of course it was all rubbish.Hew didn't hate me,he didn't (or maybe he did)resent me for taking charge he was angry and frightened and most of all frustrated and he lashed out like a petulant child.Who did he have to be angry with?...only me at home.Who did he have to shout at?...only me at home who comforted him when he was so frightened...only me at home.
Who comforted me?????
My cyber friends thank god.How do i know all this is true?
Easy.When he was in the hospice dying,he said he was sorry,he said thank you,he said i love you he said he needed me.
Nothing More to say really
here is a post of mine from march 2007 just to give you a flavour of what things were like.
Posted 21 March 2007 02:01 PM Hide Post
Today was to have been so special .Instead i am at home on my own ,and he is in hospital waiting to for his peg fitting.The last few days have been a mixture of heaven and hell.The patches have cured his mouth pain enough for him to be able to drink good amounts of water which in turn thinned down the mucous and made his choking better but then he thought he could try to eat anything he wanted ,and got so angry and frustrated because no matter what he tried ,it hurt or burnt his mouth.Then to top it all he decided he was going back to work yesterday.This resulted in a huge confrontation between us and although he backed down ,he is now a simmering cauldron of resentment towards me.We went for his rad treatment yesterday only to be met by the dietician who promptly had him admitted to hospital.Driving home last night in the snow!!! was a mixture of worry and relief and this morning he still wont speak to me on the phone .My shoulders are broad but my back is bowing under this pressure and i feel like he blames me because i persuaded him to want to live.
Posts: 520 | Location: Harewood West Yorkshire | Registered: 19 February 2007