Dearest Julia,
Trust me - that was a riot and I really had a good laugh. I am sure there are many more jokes that are not heard of, which you know ,and will make people laugh a little more with each day passing. Do keep posting and make our little world here be one of the happiest sites in the entire networks of sites related to cancers!
I am glad you like my jokes and I will carry on posting them. What makes them enjoyable is that almost everyone catches on what the punch line is all about and makes you'll laugh! I will make sure I make you all laugh your way through all your worries!SmilerSmiler
Love you. kisses and special hugs,
Ananth.
.. and heres one more as a toast to you:

A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks "can he be cured?".
The doctor replies "there's a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you will need to take care of him every day for the next year -cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on". When the wife comes out to the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said. The wife answers "he said that you're going to die".!!!! - with no offence to ladies!!!Smiler
Cheers me up this page. Good jokes are whatit's all about. Laughter really is the best medicine despite that awful Patch Adams film.

Completely unrelated true story - my father in law was an alcholic. He was put on tablets by the hospital to help him stop and we took him to the hospital to collect the tablets.
We met him in the car park and he took out one of the tablets apprehensively. "Do you want a drink with that?" I asked. "No" he said. "See they're working already!"
Absolutely true story.

I think I've already mentioned the day I went for an X-ray and they took about 5 before I asked them did they realise I only had half a jaw. "Oh they" replied, "that explains it." I couln't then keep my head still for laughing.

Come on everyone else let's have a laugh! Share some funny stories!

Tony
Hi everyone,
As Tony says this page cheers him up and I hope it does the same to all of you who read the jokes or incidents. This is a request to come and put in as much fun stuff as you all can. It need not be all jokes - it could be something new you have seen, something funny that you may have read, something idiotic that you may have done anything that is just plain good (or naughty!!).

,,,,, like the time when I was flying from the UK to India. As there were no flights available to Delhi - they booked me on one which went via Dubai to Mumbai from where I would take a domestic flight home. A smart traveller that I am, put my normal glasses (the ones I wear when I remove my contacts) into my checked in baggage and also put in my eye drops with them. All I was left was with my case and the contacts in my eyes - which after some time began drying up and getting stuck to my eyes. Slowly it turned to pure agony and was forced to remove them and put them in their case. Now, without my contacts or my glasses!!.... I was blind though not as much as a bat - but could just about make out the various shapes around me. The two hour stop in Dubai was a nightmare as I had a big list of shopping that had to be done there and had no idea if what I was seeing was the right thing or not. However, surviving Dubai and reaching Mumbai - getting out of customs was another major problem as I could barely see what I was filling up on the disembarking card. As soon as I cleared immingration and picked up my baggage 9hoping it was mine!!) - I went to a customs officer and requested him if I could open my suitcase. He looked at me strangely as I had been asked to go right out through the green channel and when I told him, he just could not stop laughing and it was really nice of him to have helped me look for my glasses amid all the stuff in my suitcase!! It was really funny at that moment.
Oh Oh,
My unreal jokes for today - I thought let me touch the medical fraternity for once (not exactly but to do with them). So here goes:

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

------------------------------------------------

A man was seriously injured in a car accident, severely damaging his legs. As soon as the emergency room doctor examined him, he knew the one of the man's legs must be amputated. He was taken to surgery, where, due to an administrative error, the good leg was amputated. The mistake was discovered while the man was in the recovery room, so he was taken back into surgery and the bad leg also amputated.
When the man found out what had happened from a nurse who was present during the entire procedure, the man decided to sue the doctor and the hospital. He consulted the best attorney in town, who, after going over the man's claim, advised him against seeking damages.
"What," the man exclaimed, "this is the most clear cut case of outright negligence I have ever heard of."
"That may be true," the lawyer replied, "but frankly you don't have a leg to stand on."

Hope this has brought a laugh to you all and if not a laugh at least a smile and if not even a smile - then you have no sense of humour!!!("humor" for the Americans!!)

Love you all,
Ananth
Hello all,
I could not resist sharing this one from you all as I want to put it down in the post before I forget it.
Lovse you all as always,Ananth

Hell and Heaven

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so profound, that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:-

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:-
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God!'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN 'A'.
I was told this joke when I was a small child (I'm nearly 44 now). What do you call two hippies and a colored person riding on a bus?
PASSENGERS

(the previous joke was meant simply in a spirit of humor AND it was told to me in 1968).

Finally (for today, at least)
Two guys have been drinking at a rooftop bar for several hours, and they're pretty tanked.
One says to the other
"I bet I can jump off this building, miss the sidewalk and come right back up."
"I'd like to see that" says the other inebriate.
So the man jumps off the building, flips up just in time to miss the pavement and makes a perfect two-point landing on the roof.
"I gotta try that!" says drunk #2, and he jumps off the roof, leaving a nasty SPLAT! right on the street.
The bartender turns to the survivor.
"You sure are a mean drunk, Superman!"
At first I wasn't going to reply to this thread because there's a Humor forum down the line. I thought it kind of cheapened the message board for those who are seeking answers to HNC. Looks like I've been outvoted!
_______

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears, but she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Dear Mimi,
I well realised there was a place below on the board to post jokes and I purposely began this post as noone really bothered going into that part. I have always felt that laughter is good medicine and bit of it everyday can make a world of difference. We have a number of forums on the message board for seekers of HNC questions and thats why I posted it here in the General category so that it would be read. I think everyone needs a break from being serious or being instructive at times. The same people when they come looking for answers on HNC, seeing the post will def. have a positive outlook towards the site and the people.

I am glad you were outvoted as I really enjoyed the joke and I can say that comfortably as I have just woken up and it brought a big grin to my face. A nice way to start a day.

With love,
Ananth
Well folks,
I see noone is in a mood to post any jokes or post anything for that matter. Dave and Sue have got the "No Cancer" certificate from the doctors and now are planning a holiday. Let us wish them the very best.

As I started this post and I will add a few more jokes and see the response, which so far has been super and has made everyone have a good laugh. I hope you all will carry on with posting any kind of incident or jokes that you have come across. Make someones day. Get a smile on someones face.

What say,
Love you all,
Ananth

I thought Computers would be a nice topic for this day. So here goes the first of the two I dug up. Hope you all enjoy them as I did reading them.

The three Monkeys.

** A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
"The one to the left costs $500," says the storeowner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the storeowner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey.
"That one costs $3000," answers the storeowner.
"$3000!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."
_______________________________________________

Without Malice
**Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
Okay, hope this doesn't offend anyone.
Leann

Just one lady in front of me at the bank; an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars was a little irritated.


She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"


The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."


The Asian lady said, "Fluc you white people, too!"
Okay this one is better.

A Cowboy

A cowboy, who has moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud Light. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together .. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders th ree mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers, though.'


Another one:

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs. A
female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what
would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to,
the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise his hand?'
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself.


Okay, here's another one I hope doesn't offend anyone.

Subject: Woman's Shower VS. Man's Shower
>>
>>
>>
>> How To Shower Like a Woman:
>>
>> Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
>> hamper according to lights and darks.
>>
>> Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
>> see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
>> areas.
>>
>> Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
>> mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
>>
>> Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
>> cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
>>
>> Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
>> with 43 added vitamins..
>>
>> Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>>
>> Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
>> enhanced with real passion fruit.
>>
>> Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
>> 10 minutes until red.
>> W ash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
>> cake body wash.
>>
>> Rinse conditioner off hair.
>>
>> Shave armpits and legs.
>>
>> Turn off shower.
>>
>> Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
>>
>> Spray mold spots with Tilex.
>>
>> Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.
>>
>> Dry with towel the size of a small country.
>>
>> Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>>
>> Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
>> towel on head.
>>
>> If you see husband along the way, cover up any
>> exposed areas.
>>
>>
>>
>> How To Shower Like a Man:
>>
>> Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
>> bed and leave them in a pile.
>>
>> Walk naked to the bathroom.
>>
>> If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
>> making the "woo-woo" sound.
>>
>> Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
>>
>> Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
>>
>> Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
>>
>> Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
>> them off.
>>
>> Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
>>
>> Spend majority of time washing privates and
>> surrounding area.
>>
>> Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
>> stuck on the soap.
>>
>> Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
>>
>> Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.
>>
>> Dry off forea! rms and butt only.
>>
>> Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
>> hanging out of tub the whole time.
>>
>> Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to
>> watch water fly off.
>>
>> Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light
>> and fan on.
>>
>> Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
>>
>> If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at
>> her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
>>
>> Throw wet towel on bed.
>>
>> If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at
>> the truth behind this, there is something so very
>> wrong with you.
>>
>> Have a great day! And, "woo woo" !!!
Dear Leann,
I vouch for the last one!!!! Here is one between the British and the Americans regarding the presidency. Hope everyone will enjoy it:

A letter to all Americans from John Cleese.

Dear Citizens of America ,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium,' and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise.'

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as 'US English.' We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out Task no.1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called 'Come-Uppance Day.'

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling 'gasoline') - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called 'crisps.' Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer,' and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager.' American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,' so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American 'football.' There is only one kind of proper football; you call it 'soccer'. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for 'Big Girls Blouse').

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese.
To all my sweet ladies - I guess I should dedicate this for all the problems you'll go through. Its not meant to offend anyone as it is a true letter and hope even men can understand what a woman goes through during the trying times.

With love to all,
Ananth



Actual Letter to P&G About Maxi-Pads - Award Winner!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company - Proctor and Gamble, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
-------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing,and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudoson being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxipads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "An inbred hillbilly with knife skills."

Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you f_ _ _ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX
Hello all again,
This was a bit difficult not to share but its not only true but really funny
Love you all,
Ananth


[B]know you're old when....B]

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size
Hi all,
Just a bit of 'Did you know' - its directed more towards the Americans but there are a few for others. All are welcome to comment.
love you all,
Ananth

Texas was one of the first states to adopt capital punishment by lethal injection -in 1977.

Thanks to the electric light, the average American today sleeps 1.5 hours less each day than Americans of 60 years ago.

That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.

That white, powdery stuff on the wings of moths is actually the way moths dispose of waste.

The "57" on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.

The "caduceus" the classical medical symbol of two serpents wrapped around a staff comes from an ancient Greek legend in which snakes revealed the practice of medicine to human beings.

The "countdown" (counting down from 10 for an event such as New-Years Day) was first used in a 1929 German silent film called "Die Frau Im Monde" (The Girl in the Moon).

The "Daddy long legs" spider has venom to be used as a defensive mechanism. Don't worry though, coz it cannot puncture human skin, and even if it did, it would PROBABLY only cause a allergic reaction

the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

The "huddle" in football was formed due a deaf football player who used sign language to communicate and his team didn't want the opposition to see the signals he used and in turn huddled around him.

The "if" and "then" parts of conditional ("if P then Q") statement are called the protasis (P) and apodosis (Q).

The "London Bridge" is now in Arizona in the U.S.A. This fat cat(rich guy) bought it for only $2.46 million dollars.

The "Miss America" pageant made its network TV debut on ABC In 1954. Miss California, Lee Ann Meriwether, was crowned the winner.

The "O" when used as a prefix in Irish surnames means "descendant of."

The "save" icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.

The "save" icon in Microsoft©®™ Word's toolbar shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.

The "Sesame Street" characters Bert and Ernie were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the cab driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Like."

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

The "spot" on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now...

The Seniors 2007 Alphabet

A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,just give me a pill and
I'll be
good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!


Hope you enjoyed your A, B, C's!

Cricket
Hi Cricket,
That was a great one and am really glad if this post on the forum would keep on continuing as it helps a lot when one can make another laugh and also have a good laugh. As they say - Laughter is the best medicine.

Do continue and lets see how many more get back in here.Lets get it moving.

Take care,
Ananth
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?


Hey everyone, Keep up the laughter! Big Grin Cricket
Ananth, I think these postings are a riot!! I've read everyone of the jokes posted. As the "Readers Digest" magazine joke section states "Laughter is the best Medicine".

I stumbled onto the posting for these jokes by accident. I had no idea when I entered into the topic that it was full of jokes.

Maybe if the subject topic name could be modified, more of us would realize the nature of it's content. I don't know if this can be done though.

I personally think that this area is a great, fantastic and a hysterical site and that if more people realized it was here it would be even more of a success than it already is!

What do you think???? All my best, Cricket

Here we go again::::

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, on your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your
horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the
same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round!
Dear Fran,
When I began the post, I did so to get a bit of fun into some serious posts as everyone needs a light moment and other thoughts then what we all went through or are going through. I did not think at that moment the post would grow the way it has done. I also noticed that noone was really posting at the place meant for such jokes.
I hope we can all carry on right here - as Cricket feels that he did not connect the post with a laugh and I do think he is right as "Laughter is the best medicine". It helps you in many ways and am sure most of you'll will agree with me.
Take care, and as always to the ladies - all my love, xxx and warm hugs and also some roses.
Ananth
Hi again Cricket,
I have posted a request to Dr. Joshi and Krishan to change the title of the post as I felt you were right about the same. I do hope its possible.
However, before I end this post here - hopefully many many more will follow (possible -a book called - "The MCF Book Of Laughter" or something as such could be published as none of the jokes here are copyrights and its for a good cause - Dr. Joshi?).

I am not aware if most of you'll know I send out a lot of idiotic mails and receive the same and at times they do get out of hand, so....

.........I Just Want To Thank You all those who did so...for your "Idiot" E-mails sent as "Educational Emails"over the past year.

*Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

*I can't use the remote in a hotel room because *I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

*I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

*I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

*I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

*Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

*I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

*I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

*Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

*I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

*I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

*I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

*I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

*I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day as I already made that mistake never to repeat again.

*Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

*Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

*I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

*I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

*I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer - again something I did and will never repeat again!

*And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

*I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

*I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

*I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually parcel bombs from The Al Qaeda in disguise.

*I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

*I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

*I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

*Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

*And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

*I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

* and now......If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
( I suggest you do send it off!!!)
Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....
.....A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!!!!

Lots of love to all.
Ananth
Hi all,
Could not resist this one.
Love to all,
Ananth


Top 100 Celebrity Jailbirds


You canÂ’t turn on the news lately without reading about celebrities being arrested, and theyÂ’re not all DUIÂ’s either! Charges here (in no particular order) include murder, assault, robbery and more. Who did what to whom? Check out this list of Celebrity Jailbirds to find out.

O.J. Simpson - The glove didnÂ’t fit on the murder charge, but will his recent arrest for burglary be the one to send him to prison?

Paris HiltonÂ’s- The news was saturated with reports of Paris incarceration. She spend almost a month in jail for DUI charges.

Britney Spears - Just turned herself in to face hit and run charges.

Lindsay Lohan - Checked into rehab after being arrested for DUI and cocaine possession. Of course, the drugs werenÂ’t hers.

Mel Gibson - His arrest for DWI put little known TMZ on the map after they broke the story.

Anna Nicoole Smith - Arrested for drunk driving in Texas in 1989.

Tawny Kitaen - Arrested in 2002 for spousal abuse.

Hugh Grant - Arrested after he was found in a car with his pants around his ankles and a prostituteÂ’s head in his lap.

Christian Slater - Arrested in 1994 after he tried to board a plane at JFK airport with a gun in his possession.

Johnny Cash - Arrested in Texas with a variety of pills in his possession.

Bill Murray -Charged with driving a Golf Cart while intoxicated in August 2007.

Michael Jackson - Arrested twice on child molestation charges. The first time charges were dropped and second time he was acquitted.

Hank Williams,Jr. - Arrested in Tennessee in 2006 for assault.

Larry King - Arrested in 1971 for grand larceny after stealing $5,000 from a business associate.

Steve McQueen - Arrested in Anchorage in 1972 for drunk driving.

Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman - Arrested in Mexico and charged with felony restraint. Bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico.

Tommy Lee - Arrested in 1999 in North Carolina for assault and inciting a riot.

Lou Rawls - Arrested in Albuquerque in 2003 for assaulting his girlfriend.

Kimora Lee Simmons - Arrested in 2004 for possession of marijuana.

Nicole Richie - Served 82 whole minutes for DUI charges.

Vince Vaughn - Arrested in 2001 in North Carolina on Assault Charges.

Nick Carter - Arrested in 2005 for drunk driving.

Vince Neal - Did time for vehicular manslaughter.

Franki Valli - The Four Seasons singer was arrested in Ohio in 1965 for skipping out on his motel bill.

Kid Rock - Arrested for his now infamous Waffle House throwdown.

Yasmine Bleeth - Arrested for Cocaine possession in September 2001.

Glenn Frey - Arrested in Columbus, Ohio in 1973 for drug possession and public intoxication.

Haley Joel Osment - He didnÂ’t see this one coming. Arrested in 2006 for marijuana possession and drunk driving after crashing his Saturn.

Vanilla Ice - Arrested for assault in 2001.

Trey Anastasio - Arrested in Upstate New York in 2006 for DWI and Possession.

Tracey Gold - The former “Growing Pains” star was arrested for drunk driving in September 2004.

Jay -Z - Arrested in 2001 after a loaded gun was found in his possession, also arrested in 1999 for aggravated assault.

Sean “Diddy” Combs - Arrested several times for gun possession, assault, bribery, driving with a suspended license.

Jennifer Capriati - Arrested in Florida in 1994 after cops found pot in her hotel room.

Charles Barkley - Arrested for assault in 1992.

John Popper -Arrested for possessing marijuana in April 2003.

Amy Winehouse - Arrested in Norway in October 2007 for marijuana possession.

Kirsten Storms -The “General Hospital” actress was arrested in 2007 for DUI.

Robert Downey, Jr. - Arrested multiple times for drug possession.

Natasha Lyonne - Arrested in 2001 and charged with DUI.

Leif Garrett - Arrested multiple times for drug possession.

David Faustino - Bud from “Married with Children” was arrested in 2007 for carrying…bud.

Tonya Harding - The disgraced former figure skater was arrested for conspiracy after her ex-husband tried to kneecap rival figure skater Nancy
Kerrigan and for assault after abusing a boyfriend with a hubcap. Oh yes and thereÂ’s a drunk driving arrest in there too.

Rick Allen -The one armed drummer for Def Leopard was arrested for assault after beating his wife.

Kiefer Sutherland - Arrested on more than one occasion for DWI.

Jude Law - Arrested in October 2007 for assaulting the paparazzi.

Pamela Bach - David HasselhoffÂ’s ex-wife was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident.

Daniel Dae Kim - The “Lost” actor was arrested in Hawaii in October 2007 for DUI.

Nathan Marston - The soap opera star was arrested in October 2007 for assault.

Sean Kanan - The “Bold and the Beautiful” actor was arrested in 2007 for DUI.

Pete Doherty - Arrested about a zillion times for drug related offenses.

Uncle Kracker - Arrested in 2007 for sexual assault.

Winona Ryder - Arrested for shoplifting.

Lily Allen - Arrested in 2007 for assaulting a photographer.

Kristy Swanson - The original”Buffy” was arrested for assaulting her baby daddy’s wife.

Shemar Moore - Arrested in 2007 for DUI.

George Clinton - The P-Funk front man was arrested for possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia.

Scott Stapp - The former”Creed” front man was arrested a couple of times. Once for arrest and also for a drunk and disorderly.

Phil Spector - Arrested in 2003 for murder.

Tom Sizemore - The actor is currently incarcerated after being arrested several times for drug possession, assault and being under the influence.

Ty Pennington - The personable “Extreme Makeover” star was arrested in 2007 for DWI.

Brian Bonsall - The former “Family Ties” cutie was arrested for beating up his girlfriend.

Naomi Campbell - Arrested for assault with a deadly cell phone.

Bobby Brown - In 1993 he was arrested for some suggestive stage moves, the there were assault and drunk driving charges. Oh and letÂ’s see he violated his probation and failed to pay child support. Nice rap sheet.

Ray Liotta - Arrested for DUI.

Ryan OÂ’Neal - Charged with Assault with a deadly weapon after pulling a gun on his 42 year old son.

Eminem - Arrested twice in Michigan on gun charges.

Snoop Dogg - Arrested a couple of times on weapons charges.

James Brown - The Godfather of Soul was arrested for spousal abuse.

50 Cent - Arrested when he was 19 for selling heroine and crack.

Boy George - Arrested for drug possession.

Al Pacino - Arrested in 1961 for carrying a concealed weapon.

Frank Sinatra - Arrested for adultery (I jest you not) in 1938.

Ja Rule - Arrested for criminal possession of a weapon.

Foxy Brown - Arrested for assault. Incarcerated as of this writing.

Michael Vick - Arrested for animal cruelty and other charges after it was discovered he was into the whole dog fighting thing.

Joe Francis - Arrested for tax evasion, drugs and a laundry list of other stuff.

Don King - The famous boxing promoter was a well known criminal in the 1950Â’s and 60Â’s. Charges include murder, arson, selling drugs, weapons possession and manslaughter.

Bill Gates - Arrested in 1977 when he failed to produce a license after he ran a stop sign.

George Carlin - Arrested in 1972 for disorderly conduct and obscenity for using bad language in his show.

Dennis Hopper - Arrested in Taos in 1975 for causing an accident and fleeing.

Dudley Moore - Arrested for spousal abuse.

Jane Fonda - Arrested in 1970 after kicking a cop who found a large quantity of pills in her possession.

Keanu Reeves - Arrested in 1993 for DUI

Matthew McConaughey - Arrested in 1999 for resisting arrest after cops found him playing nude bongos and smoking pot.

Mickey Rourke - Arrested in 1994 for spousal abuse.

Nick Nolte - Arrested in 2002 for DUI.

PeeWee Herman - Arrested after he was caught whacking off in a public theater.

Tim Allen - Arrested in 1978 for dealing drugs and conspiracy.

Woody Harrelson - Arrested in 1982 for literally stopping traffic - and dancing in the middle of a busy street. He was charged with disorderly conduct.

Zsa Zsa Gabor - Arrested in 1989 for slapping a police officer.

Jack White - Arrested for aggravated assault in December 2003.

David Crosby - Arrested in 1982 when he was found to be in possession of a handgun.

Mick Jagger - Arrested in 1972 after fighting with a photographer.

Nikki Sixx - Arrested in 1997 for inciting the crowd at a concert in Phoenix.

Sid Vicious - Arrested for the murder of his girlfriend, Nancy Spungeon in 1978.

Darryl Strawberry - Arrested in 2000 for drug possession and solicitation for prostitution.

Dennis Rodman - Arrested in 1979 for felony burglary.

Scott Weiland - Arrested for assault in 2001 for battering his wife.

Macauley Culkin - Arrested in 2004 for drug possession.

Alexei Yagudin - The 2002 Olympic figure skating gold medalist was arrested in 2003 for driving under the influence.
Hey Ananth, Cricket here again! Thanks for getting the name of the post changed. Great job! Hopefully many more of us will join in and send in their "funnies"!

I must correct a slight error you've made though in your posting! I'm afraid you've mistaken my gender! Yup, I'm a she, not a he! No offense taken though, but I do want a hug! LOL! Wink

Here's another joke to read, although I'm afraid the women will get a bigger laugh out of this one! Here goes:

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm
lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy
to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute
little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead a gain. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been
poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And,at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at
the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when
the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics
stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a gro up of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the
while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked,"Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Dear Cricket,
I should have checked your profile - shows how idiotic I can be at times ( at times???). I am truly sorry I mistook you for a he then the she that you are!.. and also thank you for forgiving me.
Lets see if the change in name will bring in more people as without laughter there is no life and I want to live every moment of what is left. I am glad I was given a sense of humor - very crude at times! and it helps in making one forget all the pain and misery one has been through for some time.
Keep your fingers crossed Honey,

As I love all gorgeous women - here goes - a whole load of love, lots of xxx and some nice warm bear hugs and also some roses.
Ananth
Ok everyone, here's another one for the books:



A study in Logic


AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling, scalding hot water down your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Re member to use a timer.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. So be brief with people.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Thought for the day:

Some people are like "Slinkies". They're not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.


(Ok, so this particular joke was a little lame, but smile anyway, you'll feel better!) Cricket
Hi all,
Do have a laugh -its good for your system.
Love,
Ananth



BEN & ALLISON:

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

AND ONE MORE FOR TODAY....
An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."
Had to delete the Confucius jokes post as it upset a member:
quote:
Crude, little boys behind the bicycle shed type "humour". Uncomfortable reading to come upon on this award winning site. If I had found this on the site when I joined 3+ years ago, I wouldnt have returned. My sense of humour is very wide, but this is not funny.
Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'OK, Get in the car with it.'

The wife says, 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?' said the wife.

'Just hold its little nose' he said.

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.


"keep on laughin", all the best, Cricket
Hi all,
Not intended to hurt anyone in anyway - just enjoy the joke.
Love,
Ananth

WIFE KNOWS BEST

A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, "Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?"

He angrily looks at her and says, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn't close right"

"Fix the Fridge Door??? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Ok", she says, "then you could at least fix the front door steps. They're about to break."

"I ain't no damn Carpenter and I don't wanna fix any steps," he says. "Does it look like I've got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough. I'm off to the bar!"

After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed."

"Darling, how'd you get all this fixed?"

She replies: "Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Helllllloooooo.......Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
Hi again,
I apologise for being a pain - but this one was too good not to share and am sure you will all agree with me. Its all about a British Band that made history with its songs - one being:

If The Beatles Were Computer Geeks...
......Sing along with me now... -come on all....

Yesterdaaaay...

Yesterdaaaay, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenllllyyy, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong...
What it was, I could not say.
Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterdaaaay, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterdaaaay.

Hope you all sang it and had a laugh as well.
Love you all,
Ananth

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