that noone really wants a good laugh and prefer thinking and talking about the Cancer. Its time to take stock and realise that jokes make you forget all that you have been or going through for some time. These times are precious and do not let them by. I thought of posting these jokes on the site for light banter but noticed noone hardly ever visits that part and so I decided to put up a post here in the General, with the hope that each one of you will contribute in making this section a complete success and not let it fizzle out. The jokes should be keeping in mind the delicate balance between what others may feel about the jokes posted and may be related to take a dig at anyone of us or anyone outside our community. Are we agreeable on this??
Ilove everyone here and just want to see everyone smile and bring some sunshine in to their lives and humor is the best medicine to keep your self going and not to have time to brooding over whatever has happened. The posts need not be just joke related but related to doing something new (craft wise, music wise or ven an Aunt/Uncle Agony bit - but ensure the letters to Aunt and Uncle are nor related to Cancer.
Do we all have a pact. If we do - please confirm your participation and even if you do not post any - you will read everything and be made responsible for a big smile on your face - irrespective of how bad a joke may be. May I ask Dr. Joshis permission to put in some as we call it Non- vegitarian jokes - but withen limits. If the answer is yes, I am sure this will be the happiest site in the entire network of the internet.
So - I await everyone reply before embarking on my flirting through jokes and humor and of course making everyone a wee bit happier with life.

Take care all my lovely ladies - I love you all very very much, sending you dozens of cyber roses and extra warm hugs . Guys, I am sorry but you all just get the love and hugs,
Ananth
Original Post
To kick off - let me begin with some French jokes (as they are the in thing at the moment with the first lady posing in the nude etc.). So here goes:

*Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say you must be French."

**The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else. Hhe leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

***An American man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when a Frenchman sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. "You American folk eat the whole bread?" asks the Frenchman with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth. "Of course!", said the American. The Frenchman blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croutons, and sell them to the United States." The Frenchman has a smirk on is face. All the while, the American listens in silence. "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the Frenchman. "Of course!", says the American. The Frenchman cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In France, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast and put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to the U.S." "And, what do you Frenchmen do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the American. "We throw them away, of course," replies the Frenchman, with a dumbfounded look. The American explains, "WE don't. In the U.S., we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to France........ and finally for today.....

****The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."...............................................and now folks if you have a smile across your face and even if you dont - think over the proposition and make this a success. Dr. Joshi - I hope the jokes I have posted are not going to hurt anyones sentiments and please give me the go ahead to move this forum further.

Lots of love and hugs (I will not forget Big Grin) to Dr. Joshi
Ananth
Totally agree with you! You have to keep smiling/ laughing as much as you can. People might think your mad but that's their problem.
I think you are a little harsh on the French though - which coming from me is pretty funny as people think can't stand the French. That's only because my wife is part French and I do it for a laugh. My wife has a mind of her own - though - let's face it no one else would want it. I keep a photograph of her in my wallet all the time - just to remind me where my money used to be.
I nearly marrried a German girl but we couldn't agree about the future of the kids we might have - I wanted them to go to Oxford or Cambridge and she wanted them to invade Poland.

All in fun - no slur or insult intended to anyone. Even my wife, god bless her. We have to laugh.

Keep up the good work.

Tony
Hi Anthony,
Remember I had remarked we would get on like a house on fire - well its a start as we have started the with the spark and hope the fire really grows.
I started with the French but that does not let any other nationalities off the hook - even Indian and Spanish!!!
The bit about wanting to marry a German girl was out of the world and its things like this that can bring a smile to a persons face and each smile makes it a better day.
So with much ado and with no hard feeling to any nationality (just laught along), With my love and hugs to all and please dont let me keep repeating it - only the girls get the kisses!!!!Smiler Here we go,
My contribution of the day: Smiler

MORON OF AN INDIAN
__________________
An Indian finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

"Oh Rama, Oh Krishna,please help me!!I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.Please let me win the lotto". The Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Indian goes back to the temple and moans- "Oh Rama, Oh Krishna , please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Indian still has no luck!!

Back to the temple... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Indian is confronted by the voice of the God: HEY YOU IDIOT, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".

A SMART INDIAN
_______________
There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"


SO YOU WANT TO BECOME AN INDIAN POLITICIAN?
___________________________________________

Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections ----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Name of Candidate : _______________________

2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________

3. Political Party : _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological (Order)

4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Others

5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian

6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above

7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue (if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized Government Psychiatrist)

8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs

9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)

10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ] (Do not confuse with question 8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years

11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.

12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)

13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No

14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________]
Thumb Impression of candidate (Not that of the person who filled the form)
Dearest Patricia,
Come on and join in and give us a smile. Post somethings - anythings funny that may have happened to you - just anything that made you smile some time ago - just anything - so you can make others smile.
I am sorry but I just cannot control this urge to be a flirt though I tried ( you noticed - till Hagg told me I should concentrate on what I am best at!!Smiler) - so here is looking forward to your active participation.
With all(not all but a large amount!) my love, some nice tender kisses and warm hugs.
Ananth
Dear L'il Sis,

You are really cute and I can imagine the blushes. I am really happy I could get a smile across your face and that also on your husbands (is he normally crabbity?). Why dont you also post a few so that the others to take the cue. The more the merrier.

Lots and lots of love ( I dont know how much more of love I have to give out!!), a lot of smooches and some nice warm hugs and check out the cyber roses - just for you..

Ananth
Hi everyone,
Am sorry but I could not resist posting this one. Any Yank out there- can you help reply to this poor guy with so many questions????

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?Is this true or is it just implied?



Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as
an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet.It's funny,as well as
informative:



Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example,I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery , as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25: 44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 1 9:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).He also tends to curse and blasphemes a lot.Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

xxxx


*****PS : This is not to demeen any persons preferences on any subject in any way and should be taken in the right spirit.

Lots of love,
Ananth
Dear Hagg,
You first get me to become my old self and as you asked or rather told me I have begun flirting again!Smiler. Now coming to the jokes - I am sure we are all adults here and know all about the birds and bees (if not moreSmiler). I am also sure everyone have their own- "a bit too rude" -jokes hidden away. Dont hide them - just put them down and as good adults let us just have some fun!! Thats what this post is - right. dont think it should anyones sentiments as life is such and whatever kind of a joke - crude as it may be as long as it brings a smile on peoples faces - its fine. One final thing, I hope is that noone here is that narrow minded as not to accept jokes of anykind here.

If there are anyone among us who are narrow minded - please post and say - YES, I AM NARROW MINDED". We will take a poll and then decide on the level of crudeness. Is that fair - everyone???

With lots of love and hugs to you Hagg and as usual all my kisses to the lovely girls - (Gosh!! these lucky lips** are killing me!!)
Ananth

** for further details on "Lucky Lips" - please take out all your old tracks by Cliff Richards.
***** Did you all know Cliff Richard ( now Sir) was born in Mumbai, India?
Oh Lord, am I the only one who has jokes to post? Please teach everyone to take some time off and post some good jokes for everyone to read and forget all their problems for while.(I am going to make this into a prayer!) In the name The Father, The son and the Holy Ghost - Amen!!!
I actually found the 11th. commandment, that Moses broke by accident as he carried the tablets to the peak. I pieced them together and the message was very clear - Humor is a gift to Mankind and he who does not have a sense of humor to make another human smile - shall be punished by being made to laugh all the time once he or she comes up to me.He or She will laugh at the tamest or lousiest of jokes till it hurts.

******
If Moses just had not let the 11th. commandment fall - what a lovely world we would have been living in!!!
So -come on, come on and give it your best shot- its never too late to smile and make others smile.


One more from my end on Indians:
________________________________

A guy goes to the employment exchange to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Have you been in any dedicated services?

'Yes' he says. 'I was in Army for three years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you extra points toward employment'. The interviewer then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way'?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...while fighting of the terrorists, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off'.

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O K. I can hire you right now. You can work here. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M.

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00P.M, why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.'

'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in your coming in for that!'

.... however this is just the cream - the government does this all day long and not just two hours a day!!!
OK Ananth, here's one:

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'

She explained:
'The egg timer's broken.'

love
Gwyn
Hi Ananth, hope this one passes the Crude Poll.


CAKE OR BED.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
Here's another. Hope this one gets through the poll as well!

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc. "I have migraines, too...and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead.
This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to make love to my wife...and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

Cheers
Gwyn
Hello all my lovely girls and great guys,
Here is my contribution for the day - though Gwyens is way out and I really enjoyed it.
So here goes:

OLYMPIC CONDOMS:

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'

'They're in three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.'

'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily.

'Gold, of course!', says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, 'Why don't you wear Silver.... it would be nice if you came second for a change!'.

That was not too crude was it????Smiler
Love you all so much,
Ananth
One more for good luck. This is a letter from a mother to a son in the rural English that is very common in India and is known as Hinglish. Enjoy it and get down to posting more and more.
As I will always mantain I love you all. Martyn - this is n offer to join us and is an ofer you cannot refuse!!!
The joke goes like this:

My darling son, my angel, my most loved one,

I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE!!!.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.

Your Uncle Hadafallhad a fall amd fell directly into a fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out- he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned as they couldn't' get the gate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

I hope you are eating well and not flirting around with any of thse white skin girls as they are all skinny. When the time is right we will find the right girl for you - a nice plump girl whose only outing from her bedroom has been to the kitchen.

With everlasting love,
Mummy
OK just one more...


Two women meet in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Jeannie.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house checking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the cellar. Then I went through every wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive!

Cheers
Gwyn
Hi everyone.
Almost all of you'll will know there is always somethig going on between the governments of India and Pakistan. At times it gets out of hand and am putting down here a possible scenario of the possibility of nuke war ever taking place between the two Countries.

PS : The names of the Countries are real but the sequances mentioned are all fiction!!

Love,
Ananth


PAKISTAN/INDIA - OLD FRIENDS AND ENEMIES!!!
------------------------------------------------
During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet
satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 5
seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way. This was their
scenario...

Now imagine the scenario if there is a nuclear war between India and
Pakistan.

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India.

They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns.

Indian technology is highly advanced.

In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India.

They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.

The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets
adjourned and adjourned indefinitely.

The President asks for a quick decision.

In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical
failure. Their attempts for a relaunch are still on.

Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party
that was giving outside support withdraws it.

The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.

As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed.

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear
missile.

But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government cannot take such a decision because elections are at hand.

A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse
of power by the Election Commission.

The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation.


Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367
miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00 AM.

Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early.


In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in
flight.

The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and
USA.

The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear
missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting.

This time all the parties agree.

Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as preparations begin, 'pro-humanity', 'anti-nuclear' activists come out against the Government's decision. Human chains are formed and rasta rokos organized .

In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians like
Kalinga and all of you, condemning the government and mentioning 'Please forward it to as many Indians as possible'.

On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles
deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing
over Rajasthan. Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.

A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service. Since the Pakistan
army is unable to understand its software, it hits its original destination -
Russia.

Russia successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a
nuclear missile towards Islamabad.

The missile hits the target and creates havoc.

Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.

Thus India never gets to launch the missile. Pakistan never gets it right.

And we live happily ever after :-)
Hi Hagg,
I think that stands true to a lot of married men. - I am just joking!! or else will have a tough time!!!
Here are two that I found very funny about the Brits. Hey, you all = grin and bear it!!!!
Love you all,
Ananth

Here goes.......


One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

------------------------------------------------

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
1) A young man gave his girlfriend a mobile phone as a present. One day he calls her while she's out with friends.
"How did you know I was at K-Mart?" she says.

2) Two men are just talking and the subject of spouses comes up.
"I've been widowed three times" says the first man, "My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms. My second wife died from eating poison mushrooms, too."
"How did your third wife die?"
"Fractured skull--she wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

3)A Catholic priest, a rabbi and an imam go into a restaurant, eat their dinner, pay the bill and leave because not everything in life is a joke.

I guess you could say that my humor is pretty tasteless but I can't taste very much.

Julia
A talking duck goes into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a sandwich, this went on for a week
At the same time the Circus was in town and the owner came into the bar and the Barman tells him of the talking Duck.
Give him my phone number and I will give him a good job with my Circus he says ok said the Barman
Monday arrives the Duck comes in same time 1.30 and the Barman says hey got good news the Circus is in town and they want to give you a job
The Duck looks confused
The barman says whays wrong?
Well said the Duck dont know what a Circus wants with a Plasterer Smiler
COME ON EVERYONE - MAKE THIS POST THE LONGEST ONE EVER!!!! ONE THAT WILL MAKE A LOT OF FUTURE MEMBERS REMEMBER US WITH NOT JUST OUR BATTLES AND WARS WITH CANCER BUT ALSO HOW WE COPED IT WITH HUMOR!!! HUMOR CAN CONQUER ALMOST ANYTHING. IT CAN MAKE ENEMIES IN TO FRIENDS, MAKE FRIENDS BOND TIGHTER AND LEAD A LIFE WITH A SMILE LON ONES FACE AND SEE THE SMILE ON THE OTHERS TOO.
LOVE ,
ANANTH
PS: I have written the abbve in capitals which is supposed to be shouting which I am doing so at the top of my voice to come on and post your humores sides for everyone to read. I am sure everyone has had some outrageous experiences in real life - put it down or a joke which brought a smile to ylour face and am sure that will bring one on everyone elses too.
take care and lots of love,xxx and hugs,
Ananth
My joke for the day or night as may be the timing- an old story about the "chicken crossing the road"

Chickens, Crossing Roads, and Iraq
Why Did the Chicken cross the Road?

Coalition Provisional Authority: The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.
US Army Military Police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga: The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.
1st Cav: The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP?s. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.
Blackwater: We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.
Translators: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

.S. Marine Corps: The chicken is dead.
Navy: The chicken upon crossing the road was painted and lashed to the curb.

Kerry: "The chicken crossed the road before it did not"

Baghdad Bob: The chicken never crossed the road! He is safe in Baghdad, miles from the marauding vehicles of the infidel! THERE IS NO ROAD!

USAF: "As you can see here in the target video, the bomb was locked onto the chicken...and there it goes...the chicken is still moving...still moving...and unfortunately passed out of the parameters of the guidance system so that the bomb completely missed it and hit the weasel instead. Gotta admit thought, it's impressive footage..."


NOW HAVE A SMILE ON YOUR FACES OR LAUGH AS MUCH AS YOU CAN!!!Smiler
Love you all,
Ananth
Granny and Grandad went to the doctors for something to spice up their love life. He gave them a jar of tablets and said come back in a week and tell me whow you got on. So the following week they arrive at the doctors looking shattered. "Well how did it go?" asks the doctor.
"Well", says grandma - "I tried it with my hand, he tried it ith his hand, we tried it sitting down, standing up, lying down, up against the wall, with my teeth in and with my teeth out - but we still couldn't get the bloody lid off!"


Hear about the Irish woodworm? Found him dead in a brick.

What about the Polish burglar who broke into the betting office and lost thirty pounds?

I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire.

My wife said "Take all my clothes off and tie me to a chair." So I did. She said "Right you can do anything you want" So I bought some beer and watched Manchester United on Match of the Day. She said, you love Manchester United more than you do me....I said I love Manchester City more than I do you!

Keep up the good work and I'll see if I can remember any more. My memory is hopeless! Who am I again?

Ta ta for now
Tony
I went for a job as a lion tamer the other week but I didn’t fancy it. The lions were huge with great gnashing teeth. So I just stood there outside the cage terrified. Then a beautiful young girl came in and said, “Look it’s easy this is what you do”. So she walked into the cage, stripped off all her clothes and just stood there. Then these lions all came up to her and started licking her all over. “Now would you do that?” she said. “Yes,” I said…”just get those bloody lions out of there first!”
This is a safe one folks .lol

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife .

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)























'THE TEETH.'
Dear Tony and Bell -
Way to go - if the jokes dont bring a smile across peoples faces or roll around laughing their guts off -they have no sense of humor. I loved the jokes - and Bell just to explain to you, I am not that biased aganist drivers and do think they are safer then we men in many ways.

Women car drivers

A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'
'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.'
'Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'

------------------------------------------------

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."

------------------------------------------------

Policeman: 'When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, "Forty-five at least".'
Woman motorist: 'Well, I always look older in this hat.'

------------------------------------------------

A young lady was driving through a built-up area at about 70 mph when she noticed a motorcycle policeman on her tail. She increased her speed to 80 mph but the cop hung grimly on her tail. She put her foot down and pushed the car up to 90, drawing rapidly away from her pursuer. Suddenly she saw a garage up ahead and with a squeal of brakes she pulled up in the forecourt and dashed into the ladies' toilet. Five minutes later she emerged to find the motor-cycle policeman waiting for her. With a sweet smile she said, 'I bet you thought I'd never make it in time.'

------------------------------------------------

My wife had a nasty accident with the car this morning. She backed it out of the garage, completely forgetting that the night before, she had backed it in.

------------------------------------------------

Magistrate: 'But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?'
Motorist: 'I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.'
________________________________________________

Mother in law!!!
______________
A young wife came home one day and found her mother standing in a bucket of water with her finger stuck in the light socket. The young husband was standing by the switch. 'Hello, darllng,' said the mother, 'George has had this marvellous idea for curing my rheumatism.'

------------------------------------------------

You know, I don't know what I'd do without my mother-in-law - but it's nice dreaming about it.
I mean, she's not ugly - it's just that when she makes up, the lipstick crawls back down the tube.
She's found a new cheap way of making yoghourt and sour cream - she just buys a bottle of milk and stares at it for a couple of minutes.

------------------------------------------------'Do you know, my mother-in-law has vanished, just disappeared from home. Just like that.'
'Have you given her description to the police?'
'No, they'd never believe me.'
-----------------------------------------------

and finally for tonight: The famous Bill Clinton Jokes-

Bill Clinton is getting off a helicopter just infront of the
White House. 10,000 people are stood outside welcoming the
return of Bill from abroad.

Bill has two pigs, one under each arm.

A man in the crowd catches his attention and says, "Nice pigs
sir."

Bill smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hilary and one for Chelsea."

The man repies, "Nice trade Sir."


looking foward to mors posts from all,

lots and lots of laugh as it certaily makes not just my day but so many others,
Ananth
One more I could not resist-

The Ex US president - Bill Clinton and Monica of the famous cigar story both kick the bucket and go to hell. Meanwhile, Bush too joins the crowd in Hell and he is personally taken of by Satan and taken around to the various chambers of torture that people are going through. Each one is worse then the next and Bush is worried till he reaches the last chamber and sees dear Bill lying stark naked on a bed and Monica doing what she does best - handling of the cigar. Bill is moaning and groaning with all the pleasure.....
..... and Bush decides - this is it and tells Satan. I would love to be in this room so the Devil accepts his desire and orders Monica to get off and go to the one of the other chambers......
,...... and you all can imagine what hell is all about!!!

Lots of love,
Ananth
A young male science teacher is taking an all girls biology class. He asks Mary "What part of the human body enlarges to 10 times its normal size when stimulated?" Mary blushes and says " I can't believe you asked that in a girls class, I am going to tell my father and he will report you to the principal!" Taken aback he asks if anyone else knows the answer. Anna answers "Yes, Sir, it's the iris". "that's correct" he says. Then he turns to Mary and says " Y Smilerour answer tells me three things - first you haven't done your homework, second you have a very dirty mind and third at some point in your life you are going to be very disappointed!"
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a wallet strapped to his neck, and approaches the displays. He waits for a man to finish his order, then the butcher leans over the shelf and asks,

"What'll you have?"

The dog places his paw in front of the ground beef, so the butcher asks how many pounds? The dog barks twice, so the butcher packages 2 pounds of ground beef.

The man watches as the dog moves in front of the pork chop display, and places his paw in front of them.

"How many do you want? asks the butcher.

The dog barks four times so the butchers packages 4 chops. The dog walks over to the cash register to pay, so the butcher removes enough cash from the wallet to pay for the meat. The dog picks up his packages in his mouth an leaves.

Intrigued the man follows the dog several blocks until he walks up to a house and scratches on the front door. His owner answers, and lets the dog in.

"That's an amazing dog you have there!" the man from the butcher shop marvels.

"Not really," the owner frowns. "That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Dearest Sheila and Tony just loved your jokes. I was also thinking on the lines of something funny you may have come across or have been involved in a funny situation. This will really make things even better and more personal? What do you all feel.

To give you'll an example - on the second day of my radiation I looked at a notice board near the radiation centre and saw my name there with the words RIP (I always figured it was meant for a tombstone after one kicks the bucket!). My mother and wife were both with me and keeping the same in mind - I entered my oncologists room and asked her if I was already dead. She looked at me as though I was nuts and asked me laughingly why I though so. I replied " Have you seen the notice board?". She said "no". I said "well my name is up there and against it there are three alphabets R I P". She did not believe me and all four of us trooped out to the board and yes indeed it was very much there and noone could give a pausible reply as to why I had been declared dead and should rest in peace!!! She then went back to her room and made some enquiries and it turned out that Ananth Shenoy - RIP meant Ananth Shenoy - Really Important Person!!!!. I asked her what made me so important and she told me that she had recieved instuctions from the very top management to treat me with kid gloves as I was a very good friend of the MD and CEO of the Hospital.
It was really funny at that point and she ensured it was removed at once!!!

Let me give you all a few jokes which I had a blast reading and hope you all also enjoy the same in the manner I did. So here goes:
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes,he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass except when I run with a cosmpolitan!


and one for the night:

A few famous Comedian Quotes:

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." Mel Brooks

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." George Burns

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home." Bill Cosby

"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St.Bernard coming in through the cat door." Jeff Foxworthy

"You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more." Jeff Foxworthy

SmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmilerSmiler - smiles to share with all of you'll.

Love you all after all said and done "we are family" ( anyone remember the number by the Jacksons? )
Ananth
Hey Ananth

I've got to know--do you have a guy sitting over in a corner with a snare drum and cymbal to kick up the punch lines of your jokes? They're such wonderful groaners.

Speaking of which:

A young man buys a bird for his lonely, widowed mother. He calls her a few days later to see how she likes it.
"It was delicious, Melvin."
"What do you mean, ma? That bird could speak 7 languages, imitate cats and dogs, and sing like George Michael, and you ate it?!"
"It should have said something."

Julia

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